looking back

i was inspired by   george lukes blog recently, where he wrote about his memories of 2009.

it got me thinking about 2009. and looking back. such a roller coaster. as you’ll be working out, if you don’t already know, life for me is pretty interesting, never a dull moment. its fitting to be sat right now, in the middle of the night , wide awake, and writing. fitting to be thinking about the last 12 months, looking back … fitting because today has been an odd day for me.

odd because of the nature of the day. odd because of the normality of the day. odd because, actually it felt like perhaps it wasn’t my usual life i was living today … partly because today has been so refreshingly lovely. Work was very busy, but good, the afternoon i spent an hour at the beauty therapists being pampered after making a concsious choice to miss ‘the woman’ appointment i had. i then went home, to have a long soak in the bath, put on my gladrags and make and go out with the girls, for a meal and drinks. and as i was getting ready to go out, with the stereo on full blast (and no, i am not confessing to what i had blaring out :))  i thought to myself how normal life felt today. how normal i was feeling. it was such a nice feeling, to feel pretty cool, pretty good, looking forwards to going out. And when I got home, all I could do was go ‘wow, what a lovely day’.

perhaps, for once, and it does not happen often, but perhaps, today, for once i was living a little bit of life that has perhaps been lost sometimes, underneath the black cloud. and it was a good thing to do. a refreshing thing to do. and its left me in a good place to be sat right now thinking about the past year, the high’s, and the low’s … but also, to start thinking about the next blog after this one … which i’ll write up on New Years Day … to think about the coming year …

But, for now … heres some of the things I am thinking about when I look back at 2009.

*Several big events happened in Jan 09, the first was converting from being a PC user to a Macbook. A friend of mine had spent many many months convincing me it was the best possible thing I could do, and then said ‘about time’ when i rung to excited tell him the news … the news that i was a macbook owner. It was not long before i became a macbook addict, and I cant imagine not having ‘Doris’ – and yes, some of you reading this from twitter might remember the ‘naming’ poll that happened 🙂

*the second big event of that month … was meeting my father. for the first time in many many years. it had been quite a while. and although i don’t really want to go into huge details right here and now, it was a huge thing to do, i think , to be fair, it was a huge thing for both of us. after much apprehension about the meeting, but with much support from some truly great people it went smoothly, as smoothly as can be, and i was able to walk away with a sense of something, that something being something on the lines of ‘moving on’. That whole situation, meeting, process, what i learnt from it, what i took away from it, is a whole blog in itself … but suffice to say, it was a incredibly hard going, but moving and life changing event.

* 2009 was also the year that my beloved Gran went ‘home’. After a short illness, of about 6 weeks, she went to be in Peace. It was an incredibly tough time … having seen her become so unwell, so quickly, and then rapidly decline until the last few weeks of her life came upon us, and the waiting game commenced. Many tears were shed throughout that time, many hours spend hand holding, many hours spend with heads on pillows in chairs, by her bed. She was beautifully cared for in hospital, and then by the staff at the nursing home she had lived in for the last 6 years of so of her life until she finally slipped away. The day she went, my life changed, yet again. My Gran was a ‘Beautiful Person’ and although she is not here physically, she always has and always wil inspire me … I miss you lots Gran!

*2009 was also the year that I got accepted into University (for a 2010 start) … an achievement that is so immense that all i could do after wards was ring people up, to tell them the news and to thank them for their support, because without it, i would never have even thought it possible, would never have had the confidence to apply, and to go and get what I wanted which was an unconditional offer, on a course and Uni I wanted =)

* 2009 has also been the year that I attended something called the Growing Leaders course, at church. Its fair and honest to say I was surprised and shocked to be asked to attend to the course, something which took place over the course of the year, involved sessions every month, mentor meetings, home work, and lots and lots of thinking … ! but it was an affirming thing to do , i learn t alot … about ‘church’ … about me, about God, and about the call He has on my life …

* 2009 was the year I became the most comfortable I have been in a long time with ‘not doing church’. Through the Growing Leaders course I gained confidence in the idea of developing other ways of being community, others ways of doing things, and that actually (as mentioned above) the call God has on my life, is perhaps quite different to the one that has been expected. Lots of people become affirmed through the course to become leaders, within the church community. For me it affirmed that in no way, shape or form at the moment am I to do that .. in fact, I am to keep one foot in church, but one foot firmly out of it …

*2009 was the year the church I have been connected with backed the idea of developing something ‘different’ – who knows where that will go, but its exciting!!

*2009 was the year i left my job, to go to another one, only to be poached back three months later, so lots of job changes, but ya know, the grass is always greener on the other side until you get to there!

*2009 was the year I managed to do two weeks of camping in the summer, seizure/passing out free (miracle!!)

*2009 saw me attend New Wine, which was an incredibly interesting experience, for lots of reasons, some odd, some insane … the most unlikely of places you’d find me … and in fact throughout most of the meetings you could have found me out the back of the hall smoking with some guys/gals i made friends with 🙂

*2009 saw me making friends with some least likely people but all whom have taught me lots.

*2009 saw Greenbelt 🙂 something that is firmly now part of my life. My ‘year’ generally starts at Greenbelt. Its where I ‘feel at home’ with many many friends around me, and just the awesomeness of the whole festival. This year was slightly more interesting than other years, as i had managed to fracture my leg weeks before, so Greenbelt on crutches was a new challenge but one I managed with a little help from my friends (ok, so much help :))

*2009 saw me have some incredibly dark days but

*2009 also saw me have some really positive days.

*2009 saw me go the longest time without having seizures/passing out (as already mentioned above) … so the whole outdoor camping thing was a good thing, but to have gone months and months without is all good stuff too 🙂

*2009 saw me being involved with an online forum, supporting people who are all survivors of abuse, something that was an incredibly tough thing to do at times, and quite intense. I spent quite a few years being involved with this online community, lots of blood, sweat and tears involved, literally, however 09 also saw me hand over my moderator status. Something that was a tough decision, but one that was needed to be made, and one that needed to happen, for things to move on for all concerned.

*2009 saw me become more and more open with people about my depression.

*2009 saw a couple of photos i had taken being used for various things which was an honour.

*2009 was seen through with the support and love of some incredibly amazing people with whom I would not have made it without.

*2009 was the year i became addicted to twitter!! and what a great thing that has been, connecting with some great people.

All in all, 2009 has been one heck of a ride … and the above things are only a handful of the ‘lites’ of the year. so many more high lights, and so many more low lights that could be written about, but it would be fair to say I could be here all night, literally writing about them all … but hopefully i have just given a few bits of interest …

when i entered into the year of 09, i had a sense of excitement and apprehension about it … partly because of how horrendous 08 was. I knew I was going into the 2009 alive, knowing i was alive, and being pleased to be … but i always knew 09 would be a year of recovery. that it would be a tough year, and so although there are lots of good things written above, actually 09 has been hard work. Its been challenging, its been terrifying, its been exhausting, its been emotional, its been mind boggling, its been a huge battle.

BUT … its been a year we ( we = me and you … you being my friends, the people who have loved me, prayed for me, hugged me, supported me, held my hand, emailed me, tweeted me, given me a warm bed to sleep in)  have made through … and thats a good thing … so thank you !


6 thoughts on “looking back

  1. Got to agree with fromthesamesky – it’s been an honour getting to know you, and having you as part of my life; even if that is ‘only’ via a computer screen, it has still meant an awful lot to me.

    It sounds as if it was a tough year in many ways – your gran’s passing must have been especially difficult – but I’m glad you did have some positive experiences too. I hope 2010 sees many more of those for you.

    Lots of love and thanks – and a very Happy New Year to you hun. Hugs xxx

  2. I am glad I found your blog! I like the idea of looking back. It’s not only a past year, but a past decade. If I feel up to it, I’ll try to do something similar tonight (I have a little more than 6 hours to go until 2010)!

    And, yes, congratulations on becoming a Macbook owner!! This is really a situation where the grass really is greener on our side!

    I’m sorry about your grandmother. Happy about University. And happy that you were able to have so many “normal” days.

    Hope 2010 brings lots of joys to your life.


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