Dear Dad.

I have been reading an old hand written diary. One I wrote roughly three years ago. In about 6 weeks time, I will be celebrating a 3 year milestone in my life, and so I thought it time to read back at how life was three years ago. How I felt, and what I was writing.  Three years ago, I was a mess. A bigger one than I sometimes am now! Life was a big struggle, in fact, everything had collapsed. The letter below, I wrote, to my biological father. I wrote it the same weekend I decided I couldn’t live any more. Its very poignant to read back. To read this back. Its also poignant for me to publish it. For some of you to read. Because it signifies moving on. For me anyway.  A couple of years ago, about a year or so after I wrote this, I met him. For the first time in many years. It was an incredibly emotional experience. However everything I’ve written below still stands. I never sent the letter. He has never read it. Maybe if I was to write another one now, it would be a little different. Life has changed over three years, however the hurts are often still around somewhere nearby. They never go far.

I have so much inside of me, that is never going to be said to you. So much that I want to say and so much that I just want to put at your feet. But I never will. I will probably never let you know how much you hurt me when you walked out that day. When you left that day, I was only young. A small child, but do you what one of my earliest chilldhood memories was? You. Walking out. I even remember which way your huge motorbike turned as you went out of the driveway. I have never been able to admit out loud, in voice how much that actually hurts. How much it hurts to have no happy memories of you. The summer holidays we had to endure with you were hell. Did you know that? Did you know that when you were beating me that day, in that room, my brother, your son was learning from you. Do you know that he then went on to copy you? When you were not there. Do you know that? Do you give a damn? I think not. Do you know how every word you spoke made me cry inside. Every single nasty word. Yeah, I smiled, at you and everyone else, laughed it off. Promised to try and change. Be a better, different person. But I did wonder whether even being a different little girl would have made you happy. I tried so hard to be everything you wanted me to be but every time I reached a goal you would knock it down. And how do you still have the ability to do that? Even now? Even now, while I am an adult you have this power to knock me down to the ground with your words. Do you know how much my heart used to cry because you were not there? And then how much my heart used to cry when you were there, for those 2 weeks of the year because of your behaviour and action. Did it ever occur to you how much harm it did for me to stand at that window that day while you had my brother in the garden? Did it occur to you what you were doing to my brother and I? I doubt it. How could you.

Will you ever know how much pain I then had to endure with my brother? My darling brother. Who couldnt cope with your behaviour towards him. Who turned to drink and drugs to blot out the memories of you. Who do you then think took the blows when his anger let out? That would have been me. So, I was at school, and being bullied there, and then I would go home and be bullied there too. Bullied at home is probably a tame way of saying what happened. Bruised, beaten and hurt are prbably the words that describe it best. Will you ever know how hard it was to live at home, taking it from my brother, as he let rip? And where do you think he learnt/got that from? Where did he learn to hit, smack, punch, burn, taunt and spit out words that will probably never go away from my memory?

Do you know how hard I tried to please you? How hard I tried to please everyone? And did it ever work? You will never know that as I sit writing this, the tears fall. The tears I have never cried. The tears you believe show weakness. I have spent so long being strong, not crying, because what would it do? Change everything? Make it all better? I doubt that very much. But does anyone care? Do you? Again, I think not. I usually doubt you even loved us at all. Maybe we just an inconvenience.

I dont know what it is I have to do to make you proud. To make you love me. Sometimes I ask myself why it even matters. Why you even matter. And I wish I knew. I wish I could explain.

I have never said this to anyone, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to say it to your face, but do you know how angry and frustrated I sometimes feel. Sad, angry and hurt with you, at you and your behaviour. Why couldn’t you or don’t you love us? I know I am not good enough but isn’t a fathers love suppose to not be about that? Were you not supposed to love us no matter what? Why do you disappear from my life for months on end, and then when I am finally coming to terms with you not being in contact you ring or email. Sometimes I long and long to hear from you, but then when I do I cry.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Dear Dad.

  1. This is letter is filled with much emotions infect many kinds of emotions. heart breaking and poignant.
    I do hope you are in a better place now. Sending you Love and Light

  2. Your story broke my heart. I have my own baggage from childhood but I am blessed that Christ is helping me put together the pieces of my crushed heart. I can never get my childhood back, but I can move forward into the future that God has for me. Without a doubt, children learn what they live. My prayers are with you.

  3. Yes you are good enough. You always were and you always will be good enough. I hope that you know that today. I am an incest survivor. That is what I write about on my own blog. I do know what it feels like to think that you are not good enough. I know what it is like to believe that you will never be good enough. It is one of the many lies that my abuser, also my dad, told me. Today, I no longer believe his lies.

  4. So heartbreaking – but honest and straight from the heart and how you felt –

    Amazing to share – having kept a diary for so long – I daren’t even venture into the past now – you are a brave lady.

    Sad to read but sadly you cant change the past as someone has already commented we can move forward – well I hope for that every day ….

    I have always kept one thing after all the rubbish I have been through – I dont know even that will help or if I have posted it before on your blog – if you cant be honest with God who can you be honest with? I dont know if that is even relevant really…?

    And yes my prayers are with you 🙂

    @Angelfish42

  5. As I read this post, I kept reminding myself, “this is something from three years ago.” As a result of that realization, I felt compelled to read some of your “past” posts which are really the ones that are current. You’ve made some real progress in your estimation of yourself during those three years and it shows in your presentation of those things that are now important in your life. Actually, that letter to “no one” was a very big step in your getting past something that no child should ever have to go through. You have an opportunity to encourage so very many ladies who are secretly suffering the same things that you have endured. If that is so, it is a ministry and that ministry belongs to God…not you. NEVER NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR CARRYING THE MESSAGE THAT GOD UTTERS THROUGH YOU. Do continue to read the posts by Marianne Lordi, she is a very wise woman and the Lord uses her in a big way. May the Lord richly bless you.

    • hello!
      thank you so very much for taking the time to respond to my blogs, let alone to read them.
      i appreciate so very much people engaging with me, especially on the things i write as often they are so very emotive.
      thanks again
      Fragz x

  6. I totally agree with all of the comments,you’re a very special lady and God will use your testimony to help many others I’m sure of that.It sure took a lot for you to share here and I appreciate it,there are things in my pass that only God knows about and I’d be to afraid to share,bless your heart and keep moving forward God will do wonderful things through you.

    • hi ya! thanks for taking the time to read, and also to respond, it really means alot to me when people engage, especially on topics that have been difficult to write/publish, however there is something very therapeutic about my blog, for me anyway, about writing, sometimes i write things i have never said out loud. thanks again 🙂

  7. I am sorry all this happened to you
    I know how it hurts
    but it helped me that you wrote it
    I am thankful you are in a better place now than you were 3 years ago……

    • hi there jill, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my blog. i am sorry it has taken me a few days to respond back! i have been away 🙂
      anyway, i am glad it helped you in some way too x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s