my name is Fragmentz and im fat (no, really, i am)

my name is Fragmentz and im fat … (no, really, i am).

its been a while since i’ve written a blog, hope this update finds i still have people who read. and i also hope that you are all well.

ive titled this post the way i have because its the truth. I am fragmentz. and i am fat. the no really part of the title refers to the many people over the years who have turned round and said ‘no, your not fat’ or ‘dont say that about your self’ … all people who mean well, and who think i am just being hard against myself, which is something i have a good talent at doing.

however, the thing is … i really am fat. no, i am not an anorexic who just thinks i am. i am just fat.

ive recently realised how high my BMI is, and that in the space of 3 months ish, i have put on nearly a stone. a stone on top of the too many i already own. i always knew my bmi was high … of course i did … but i never could have imagined how high.

I had to buy a new top recently for something i was attending, and ive never had to buy such big clothes in my life.

over the last few years i have seen a few programmes on the television, about people who are so big weight wise that they have become labels such as ‘half ton dad’ or ’60 stone mother’ or whatever … and although I am not exactly 60 stone, or half a ton … i am fat. i weigh alot. i am ‘morbidly obese’. i am a walking heart attack. i am a walking health hazard. i could drop dead any minute and they would probably blame it on my weight. in fact, people probably look at me and blame everything on my weight.

and i could end up ultimately like some of those people on these documentaries.

now, dont get me wrong … being fat does not stop me doing stuff particularly. i dont need two seats on a coach, or am unable to put on my own shoes etc … but it does stop me from many other things.

it stops my ability to be healthy, to think about food properly, to exercise sensibly, to do things that normal fit people would do, like run, jog, walk miles. all things which dont worry me too much because not everyone does anyway right? fat or not.

however something it stops me from doing is forming relationships. with the opposite sex. in a romantic way.

it also stops me feeling good about myself. it feeds into the ability i have to tell myself how ugly i am, and why would anyone ever want to be interested in me, looking the way i do.

it stops me buying the clothes i want to, and feeling like i look nice.

the battle of my weight is raging. big time. it has done for many many years … but never more so than now. where i stand at my biggest ever.

and i have mostly done it to myself. i have eaten too much food. i have eaten the wrong foods. i have eaten at the wrong times. i have not taken any care what so ever of my body and what i have been putting into it. i have not taken properly the medications i should be taking to deal with an underactive thyroid (which can aid you in gaining weight – the underactive thryoid that is, not the medications!). i have used food as a comfort. i have seen food as a friend. i have had an unhealthy ability to binge but forget to throw it all back up, each and every time.

why? because i think i feel like i deserve to be fat. i know no other way of living. and that i couldnt possibly look after myself, because i inherently believed that i didnt deserve that.

and it stops unwanted attention. at the very heart of it, it stops people looking at me. in fact, now i am realising it dosnt, because people still look at you, but go ‘eugh, i wouldnt touch that’ … but i can cope with people saying bad things about me or at me … after all thats how life rolls right? what is harder is to accept people saying nice things …

its hard to accept people saying you look nice … if the outfit you wear is good, its hard to hear people say ‘your hair looks nice’.

and over the years its been easier to make myself look a way that causes people to generally be un nice than any other option.

its what i have wanted. its what works with my level of self confidence. and when i was very very unwell with depression, it just fed into that even more …

when i was so unable to even contemplate life being worth living, which some of you may know about, and some of you may not … i was pretty much incapable of thinking about much, especially about myself in a positive way. and so my eating habits and my weight were not an issue. after all, i wanted to die anyway, so whether i died skinny/thin/healthy or fat didnt really matter did it?

thing is … that was a little while ago now … and i am not saying i dont struggle with depression … of course i do … but the desperate feeling of darkness, of being in a hole so deep there was no way of getting out of it has moved away a little …

i am learning to live again, i am learning to laugh again, i am learning to smile, and do stuff i enjoy, and accept that maybe, somehow in the mess that i call my life … maybe there is a bit of hope. it takes a long time … and i still find the pitfalls … the bumps in the road that knock me back a bit

but i am so thankful to have some amazing friends and people around me who support me in that … and see me through it.

i am learning that there is hope. i am learning to have faith. i am learning that life isnt all about ‘survival’.

and so to that end … because for me, right now, life isnt just about ‘getting through’ and surviving I feel I have the ability to focus a little bit on other things. Maybe on things that could improve my life. the life i have right now, and am living. because actually, it aint so bad … really, it aint so bad to still be here.

but what could make it better … and make myself happier is to lose some weight.

i aint planning on getting to size 6, as if that would ever happen … but i can take steps and be proactive in losing weight, becoming slimmer, and in the process a healthier and fitter person.

so, i have joined a diet plan. slimming world to be precise. i am going back to the gym.

and i am determined to try and lose weight. i am determined to eat healthier. to not stop eating, as if that would ever happen either … but to diet in a sensible way.

the target is 5 stone. the plan was to do that in a year. i dont know if thats too high or not. i wont be upset if i dont reach that.

its time to try hard to unravel some of the damage i have done to my body over the years.

its going to be a long haul. i know that. big time.

so bear with me. when i moan. when i groan. when i tweet or blog about not being bothered. because actually i am.

when i say ‘i dont care if i am fat or not’ i do.

when i say ‘its ok what you look like or what weight you are’ i dont mean that about myself. i genuinely mean that about people who are genuinely unaffected by their sizes … but actually i kid myself by saying those things … because its easier to put on the brave face then to face the reality of life being fat. its easier to joke, be jolly … and say im happy and size shouldnt matter. because actually it does … deep down it does … to me, about me

*i am not talking about anyone else and their weight and how they should feel or be, whatsoever, as i am aware everyone feels and sees this issue differently*

i once sat in the staff room chatting to a group of people. everyone was doing the typical ‘it doesnt matter what weight you are’ talk … and one person, who over the years has become  a friend just spoke out loudly and said ‘i think it does’ … everyone stopped and started to argue with her. her point however was simply put … it does matter if it matters to the person themself who is fat.

and however much i deny it, which i am good at .. it matters to me.

so, this is the start of another journey in my life (just think how boring it would be if there wasnt SOMETHING going on eh!)

a journey to get myself trimmer, slimmer and healthier.

heres hoping huh!